From the Desk of a Blocked Writer

Uh oh.

I had the best of intentions to write after work last night.  I wanted to write.  I arrived home, ate a quick meal of Sunday leftovers, curry and naan bread, threw on my jammies with fuzzy slippers and fired up the computer.  I plunked my notes and the pages of ‘Burden’ on my desk to continue on.  In all of that aspiration, I spent a full hour gazing at a blank screen, mocked by the slow blinking cursor.  Admittedly, ‘Burden’ is a slow moving train and I’m really still listening to the sisters for the crux of the story, of why they appointed me to tell it.  Certainly there is a purpose, as with every story, the characters want and/or need something.  

I am six pages into their lives.  It wavers back and forth between the present and the past to highlight the behaviours and believes of each woman.  I think.  I hope.  Honestly, I am having a bit of trouble tapping into Judy’s personality because at first she’s such an asshole for lack of a better word.  It’s hard for me to write her meanness, her lack of humanity and her coldness.  I accept the challenge of course and understand it comes from somewhere but I’m still waiting to hear.  As for Helen, she’s endured a lot growing up alongside Judy and so she’s coming from a completely different perspective.  I feel myself on her side and I need to straighten out and be objective and be fair to my characters.  Not favor one over the other and I feel like Helen is soaking up my empathy at a rapid pace and I’m saving my disdain for Judy. 

Maybe this is why I hit a brick wall last night.  I tried to work out the block, determining whether or not it was just because I was tired from a long haul at the day job, or if my desk is too cluttered, or maybe it’s just my noodle is messy.  Whatever it is that caused me to fall flat on my face, hindered my creativity for a whole night.  I worry it will spill into today too.  I’ve been writing steady for a long time and it was actually painful to be mute, to be without one single thought or flash or note scribbled.  I tried music and pacing, I tried reading my pages aloud, and nothing.  Finally I closed up shop, watched a bit of TV and allowed myself to breathe.  I glanced once more at the pages when I crawled in bed but I didn’t want to jinx myself, get a sudden burst of thoughts and disrupt the night’s sleep I desperately needed.  So, I tucked into Elspeth’s book, her self-published gem, ‘Sole’.  I am grateful to her vivid characters for making me forget my writer’s ache and entertaining me to the point that even when my eyes were heavy and close to sleep I was still squinting to read.

I don’t expect a lot to happen writing wise today but I think I’ll continue to fill the well and see what happens.  I have Zumba after work so perhaps the hip shaking exercise will loosen some of the resistance.  Tomorrow evening I am attending the book launch for ‘Fallsy Downsies’ by Stephanie Domet at The Carleton.  I finished it yesterday on my commute home.  I savored the pages to extend my time in the story because I loved it so much.  If you’re looking for a good read, buy the book and meet Lansing Meadows, follow his tour.  I am hoping the launch and reading will further inspire me and help me get back on track with ‘Burden’.  Right now, I feel like it’s a big old mess.  But, I’ve been here before and I’ve come out the other side in one piece, overcoming obstacles and achieving some sort of success in the name of finishing something. 

I hope my uh oh turns into a yee haw soon.

In propinquity,

Nic