Thursday, October 29, 2015

Condensed Into 36 Lines


Condensed Into 36 Lines

In the ballroom of an exclusive hotel
my caustic synecdoches unspool promptly
set to a sea of the saddest faces ever traced.
Standing straight in relaxed square-toed shoes
at a podium where restlessness is a hallmark.
I read from creased pages in my nervy poet hands
telling of feats, wants and shrunken prospects.
Also tales of collapsed bridges and erotic subsets
to laugh out-loud moments with scattered applause
gut-wrenching stillness and a fair bit of upheaval.
I explain apologetically about my subversive side
recounting rebelliousness in seventeen syllables
and how we can never tell who is behind the mask.
Yet I will still be reviewed as charming and melancholic
even despondent for attempting to condense such
an imperative piece of work into 36 tight lines.
My brevity, it was unequivocally intentional to protect
excruciating and devoted austerity to fading music  
and the invisibility of the ink used to make the mess.
In the ballroom of an exclusive hotel on
the cusp of delivering a virtue that is simultaneously
childlike and terrifying, temperance is hard to implement.

Afterwards, I’ll improvise.

**

I spent some of my rainy day down-time this afternoon plucking away at a half written poem. I had fun playing with words in between phone calls, accounting and fearing the roof of our building might peel away like the lid of a sardine can thanks to the last remnants of Hurricane Patricia. This afternoon, I was also daydreaming about that writing retreat I often wish I could take, pondering all things that inspire me and how much stringing words together truly means to me. Adding and subtracting numbers pale in comparison to being able to connect words and watch them multiply. I am grateful I have the knack and the passion for it, even if what I create stinks. It’s the passion; the big magic (it’s what also prevents me from becoming an embittered crone).

And I can’t help but wonder, what I’ll write next. Oh, the suspense.

Creative minds are rarely tidy.

In propinquity,

Nic

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Bits and Pieces



Bits and Pieces

all the bits and pieces of this and of that
vanish in the precise moment we make a
virtuous home among perfect strangers

shared simply in a long letter or a soft cry
all things dismal tend to dazzle just a little
I tell this to the moon and a spray of stars

as I know who will to greet me at the door
smiling when I have no gift for speaking

I am not terribly old but no longer young
less naïve more tough bright and skillful

all the bits and pieces of then and now
a busy intersection of strong pretty things
subtracted by privately owned pleasantries

heed to the sweetest custom of kindness  
everything murky made magic with an easy
exchange of warm hand over obliged heart

enhances the romance of my departure
a short trip outward to come back inside
to share the wealth of wisdom with eagers

all the bits and pieces of this and that
disappear in late afternoon’s unnamable light
when one has lived a long time alone

to arrive for someone never there before
for brief moments to turn into endless hours
all the bits and pieces of this and that

become anything other than what they once were

**

This one is for those of us who spend their time alone among the lovers. It's meant to be a hopeful poem, to express the yen for companionship, the longing to walk shoulder to shoulder with another human through the wilds of the world. 

You, lonely-heart. You're next. I just know so. The poets told me.

In propinquity,

Nic

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

To Live


A Zen feeling swept over me today. Maybe it’s the sun shining, maybe it’s a dear friend musing about a romantic encounter that left her speechless and smiling, maybe it’s the Kerouac article I read, maybe it’s just my amorian insides begging to be tended to. I have been distracted of late, lethargic, listless, and depressive even (I am starting to see a trend in my grown-up self, egads!). And then, out of nowhere, this feeling. Fundamentally, I am an optimist. The fibers of my being are woven together with love and kindness. I am prone to the sunny side of things despite the evil intentions of things like social media and negative humans who darken my way. I am, in every way, every word of this verse. I, in every way, hope these very sentiments for my people and their people and so on and so forth. Today I am feeling the full force of collected wisdom and peace. I hope, in some small way, you do too from my sappy little poem.

Mid-week sanguinity at its finest!

There are always reasons to smile in the face of any kind of adversity. In mine, I wrote this poem. And in mine, I look to the end of the week where rock ‘n’ roll will save whatever sanity I have left from this work week. July Talk for Halifax Pop Explosion with my best bud. These, the things I cling to when I’m feeling defeated!

So, the poem:

To Live

let us ponder the fertile wisdom
of the wild rucksack revolution
who wander to bless those in their
path with kindness and compassion

let us consider the brave notions while
we thumb the rules of spontaneous prose
studied by the platoon of bodhisattvas for
the sole purpose of learning to dream out loud

let us rejoice writing with fever and truth
to allow our deepest flaws to draw great love
commandeer the sacredness of a moment
and indulge in the existence of breathing freely

let us know sadness on the inside and out
reacquaint our true selves with the excitement
a spray of stars are noble companions in silence
building our perfect shadow on a sunrise mountain

let us desire the potent will to live as a whole poem
as a whole person poised to serve with intention
for the world, the universe, the Heavens, for ourselves

**

I meet you here, in the middle of the week, in a new Canada, with well wishes.

Broken crayons still color.

In propinquity,
Nic












Sunday, October 4, 2015

La De Da


There are always those people in your life who assume you to be an accessory, the last resort ‘option’, the constant sucker to turn to when no one else will listen. It’s conversation I’ve had with a few lovely souls of late who are experiencing it first hand: feeling as though they are being taken advantage of by those posing as friends and confidants, feeling lost from the constant rejection, feeling inadequate and unsure because you love your friend but they are absent for you in all the ways you are present for them. To me, that all sounds incredibly junior high, grown men and women need not revert back to that sort of behaviour when they’ve reached adulthood. Life is hard but it’s supposed to be, how else to we learn the lessons we are meant to learn and grow from? It’s confounding to me. Perhaps it’s the Facebook age sending people back into their adolescence? Facebook and social media make narcissists of us all and for those whose penchant for passive aggressive pandering, large egos, and/or raging insecurities, the act of online social interaction only serves to enhance such a performance.

I can say with the utmost certainty that while my own actions may hurt someone’s feelings now and then, I never intentionally set out to do so. I can say the same thing for the people I’ve been conversing with.  That is not truth for some. Sadly.

Of course, their current plights with warding off that exact negativity, got me thinking about poetry. This poem, for some, may seem rich in snobbish vocabulary. It’s intentional. If you’ve ever had to put someone in their place or send them packing from your life because they were murdering your spirit, you’ll understand that such language is necessary. To make a point. I have been on the receiving end of this kind of attack, several times. I’m a soft, emotional person. Or, I was. This past year, with all I’ve gone through and continue to wade through, I’ve toughen up, I’ve had enough,  tightened up the circle and I focus on what matters most, what brings me joy while purging the rest. It isn’t that I’ve hardened really, I’ve just wised up and have realized that I don’t have to do or feel anything I don’t want to. I am my own person and frankly, I come first after coming in last my entire life. I have encouraged my friends to do the same and it seems to have started to work for them as well. With age (for most of us) comes wisdom. I’m happy to have reached a place where, for me, that is present and a reality.

So, a poem:

La De Da

if I were the nervy contrarian you
would have others believe me to be
thanks to your irrational elitism

I would have to utter something pretentious like:
“I find your banter about stolen cars betwixing.”

if I were the kind not to be reasoned with
a longstanding status you’ve attached to me
if for nothing more than plain old entertainment

I might weep and run into the wilds of wallflowers

I deliberate on our juxtaposition from your perspective:
“You are of minimal use to me, as different as North and South.
Of course, in this analogy, I am South.”

I contemplate your perception profoundly and scrupulously

if I were the apprehensive disappointment you take
delight in indicating to insignificant others that I am

I might reciprocate and relish in pointing out your flaws
your teeter-totter artifice your subterfuge your flagrant perfidy

to you I say la de da

ergo I will remain in your eyes and those of your pedigree
a kind of sad exclamation snobbishly disdained in high fiction

if you weren’t such an extraordinary novelty
struggling so desperately to renew your world
you might find a way to formulate the divine truth
accept love without believing there are consequences

la de da

**

It's a stunning fall day outside. My coffee cup is empty and I think maybe it's time to throw on a warm sweater and head out for an adventure.  

Wishing you a soulful Sunday full of good feelings and good friends.

In propinquity,
Nic

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Maybe The Are Mingling



It is a stark truth, I am now at an age where I now have a small cluster of dear friends, who like me, has lost a parent. It still hasn’t been a year yet since my Dad has passed and I have no real time-frame to rely on to gage how long the grief and mourning of that loss will last: likely forever. I took comfort from those who had been through it before Dad and was then able to transfer that compassion to my closest friend who has recently lost her Mom, a woman I thought the world of and always took pride when she referred to me as her ‘second daughter’. I identify with her sorrow, sympathize and empathize: because I know the pain is the hardest thing to describe with words and that time never truly repairs your heart, never justifies the loss and leaves your internal puzzle pieces shuffled, changed forever but not without a sense of gratitude for having that man or that woman raise you, guide you, scold you, mold you and love you like no one else truly can.

I have seen so many hearts broken from such grave losses in recent years and I was thinking the other day about all of them, together. Supposing Heaven is real, I imagined my Dad congregated with the lost parents of my dearest people. I thought came to me that brought me a moment of comfort. What if they are all hanging out together up there together, friends because we are all friends, to collectively care for us from afar? What if they are mingling? That was a nice thought. While we are down here living and caring for each other as human beings, carrying on their goodness, they are together too.


I wrote a poem about it tonight. To celebrate them. To celebrate us. To comfort. To express my gratitude and love for those who enrich my life. Often times we suffer silently, afraid to burden each other with our heartache but this is an open letter to serve as a reminder that my heart and my ears open: always. My love for you is real.

**

Maybe They Are Mingling

maybe they are mingling
dangling from midnight stars
bursting in Heavenly laughter

maybe

fathers and mothers
lost to us in human flesh
bound to us in Celestial spirit

maybe they are mingling
hanging on the might of the moon
radiating light straight into our hearts

maybe

maybe they are mingling
hovering like bright hummingbirds
reflecting in soft rippling waves

mothers and fathers
absent from our sight
surviving in our smiles

maybe they are mingling
to rejoice in our forged bonds
that sustain us in our sadness

maybe they are mingling
to ensure we stay closely connected
by the gentle influence of the universe

maybe we are mingling
to forge their friendships in Heaven

maybe

**

Sending love up to the Heavens on this Sunday evening of the long September weekend and sending more to those missing their Mom and Dad.

In propinquity,
Nic

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Make It Sing


So, I didn't make the long list for the Creative Non-Fiction Literary Prize this time around. And, that's ok. The fact that I was able to write this little piece about my Dad so soon after his passing felt like a win in and of itself. I think I'll try again for the next round. I have plenty of time to pick a moment and expound on it in a creative non-fictiony way.

I kept this piece close to my chest, allowing few people to read in the event it was chosen. But, now that I know I've not been short-listed, I can share it here. It makes me smile when I read it and perhaps the reason for my non-success is because I can tell I wrote it with a broken heart. It really isn't CBC worthy and I can see that clearly now.

That evening is one I will cherish all my days.

I hope you enjoy this little glimpse of my Dad:

**

Make It Sing
Dalhousie Arts Centre, Halifax, NS
June 2007

It is no small matter to see my father perform his comedy act for the first time. He is in his 76th year, and I am just now being afforded the opportunity to experience his hilarious hijinks and his dry, side-splitting jokes in the presence of strangers. Throughout my life, I have been a victim to his pranks, gags and quips; it is officially time to see him onstage, performing his screwball routine for an audience who has loved him longer than I have known him.
The crowd convening inside the Rebecca Cohen is an old-fashioned sea of bright, summery coat sweaters resting on rounded female shoulders, crowned with perfectly-coiffed white curls to complement their male counterparts, sporting haphazard comb-overs and dusty suit jackets. A devout crowd has collected for the Nova Scotia Classic Country Concert, a benefit for the Special Olympics, to reminisce, to return for a few hours to their formative years, to raucous kitchen parties and pool hall dances by way of a familiar roster of singers from the era, the fiddlers and performers who provided the soundtrack to their youthful shenanigans. The air is heavy with anticipation and a hint of impatience, married with a faint bouquet of floral talc and stale cigars. I bypass them all and slip backstage in search of Dad.
I find him in his dressing area, fussing in front of a mirror. His zany get-up includes a pair of old tattered overalls, a black felt Hillbilly hat with an arrow shot through the crown, bare feet, and his Ovation guitar strapped in place, with his joke prompts taped carefully to its curve. He is examining his face closely, adjusting his glasses under the brim of the humorous hat, muttering jokes beneath his breath. He catches my reflection in the mirror and spins on his heel, his arms open wide in exaggerated presentation.
“Ta da!”
“You look amazing and ridiculous.”
We both laugh.
“Are you nervous?” I ask in awe, sizing him up in his wacky ensemble.
“Piece of cake,” he says, confidently.
“I am so excited to finally see you on stage.”
His face tints and he fidgets. “What?”
“I said, I am excited to finally see you perform on stage.”
“That’s twice you said that,” he smirks.
I shake my head. He is always on, and I fall for it every single time.
Dad is given his curtain call: “Five minutes!” I snap a few pictures of his comedic form, give him a brisk hug, and rush to take my seat near the front of the auditorium. When I stop and look back at him, he’s adjusting his guitar and straightening his posture.
“Hey, Dad!” I give him a proud two-thumbs’ up. “Make it sing!”
He chuckles charmingly and nods. “You got it, Pontiac.”
The five minute curtain call turns out to be a lark. An hour later I am anxious, shifting in my seat as I wait for him to appear. I scan the auditorium to see scores of almost-snoring seniors, seconds away from nodding off. In the span of ninety minutes, the mood in the room has gone from jubilant to borderline comatose. The band launches into their next song, slow and deliberate: “Send me the pillow that you dream on …”
We are doomed. For the next two and a half minutes, at least.
My own eyes are getting heavy when the MC returns to the microphone. “This man doesn’t need any introduction. You know him, you love him, and he is here to entertain you. Put your hands together for the funny man himself, the Ben Colder of the Maritimes … Lawrence Myers!”
The seemingly pedestrian introduction upends itself to the swell of sleepy seniors rising to offer thunderous applause. Dad slides onto the stage, in character, ready to deliver. There he is, my Dad, rocking on his bare heels, cradling his guitar, grinning like a Cheshire cat. Farce is about to become force. My heart is in my throat and I’m on the edge of my seat. Dad launches in effortlessly.
“You know what they call a funeral where you can smell your own flowers? A wedding.”
The room is alive again. He immediately has them in the palm of his hand. The guys and dolls are alert, hanging on every zinger that rolls off the Joker’s quick tongue.
“A friend of mine opened up a dry-cleaners next to a convent. He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.”
He is a real pro: at home in the spotlight, inviting the adoration, feeding off it, reveling in it.
“A blind man walks into a bar … and a chair … and a table.”
Dulcet giggles morph into boisterous merriment. Witticisms, anecdotes and yarns pour out of him with ease; gags cringe-worthy and ridiculously silly induce rib-tickling laughter. He tells whole stories in a single sentence, striking creaky old funny bones so hard they are howling in the aisles. My cheeks twinge from smiling, a direct result of the pride I am experiencing from seeing him engage a room. So this is what all the fuss is about. He is a luminary, so revered. I was so unaware of just how much.
He rounds out five superb minutes of rip-snorting comedy with an impassioned rendition of “Green Green Grass of Home”. The grateful crowd sings along with him; some are even on their feet, swaying. “The old town looks the same, as I step down from the train, and there to meet me is my Mama and my Papa …”
        As he exits the stage, the applause and whistles are almost deafening. I spring from my seat and sneak backstage. This time I find him surrounded by his peers, shaking his hand, slapping his back, bantering and congratulating him on another job well done. It is a marvel to see the man, whom I know as a regular old Dad and affluent car salesman, turned into a beloved comedic superman.
I wait patiently for the crowd around him to subside and move toward him, a bashful fan.
“You were incredible up there,” I blurt.
“Thank you,” he says. “I’m happy you are here.”
“They were drowsy and then the energy was frenetic when you came out,” I muse. “It was amazing.”
“Did I make it sing?” he asks.
“Did you ever!”
He laughs. “Give me a few minutes to change and I’ll come find you, okay?”
Dad is not an affectionate man; not one to show a lot of emotion or bask in adulation, but this night I watch the next few songs at stage left with him. Without a word, he reaches, puts his arm around my shoulders, and squeezes. In his 76th year, he embraces me, his youngest of six children, backstage at a benefit where he volunteered his time to help raise money for special athletes to fulfill their dreams in Beijing. The poignancy of this moment is that he made another young woman’s dream come true: mine.
I glance up at him, my heart brimming with pride. He is out of costume, back into his usual “Dad uniform” of slacks and a short-sleeved shirt, his glasses resting on the bridge of his nose, singing softly along with the folks now occupying the stage. I want to turn to him and tell him that I, too, have benefitted from his performance and from our close proximity right at this moment. I want to tell him how proud I am of him, proud and in awe of how he filled the room with joy.
I keep quiet and appreciate the moment. I think he knows. I hope he does.
He made it sing.
**

Hmmmm ... what to write about for the next literary prize?

Suggestions welcome!
In propinquity,
Nic 

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Writing Blind


Writing Blind

I always hope it will be scrupulous and lively
the tender trap of an ordinary Heaven, writing
piecing together old wounds in my thinking suit
an old mushroom-hued nubby cardigan sweater

I strive for it to be devotedly comprehensive and strident
every single page cluttered with ample prose and poems
created inside the confines of my own private organized chaos
my stomach tied in the most intricate of stubborn knots

and the silence so deafening that to breath is impossible

writing blind toward an ending is an indescribable ecstasy
it is an enforced soberness to arrive at the conclusion
to have left so much of your private self behind in plain sight

the goal: to be a fine practitioner of word-molding magic
the hope: to morph from clumsy tenderfoot to the premiere suite
the way: coached in language by the Supreme who have come before me
the struggle: to isolate the ownership of memory and make-believe
the reward: sensitive curation of intimate markings touching others

I always trust it will be honourable and animated
the hapless adventures of my pen moving across a fated page
a demand for love to disarm the weight of the world and suspend
into the fabricated fortunes, fortitudes, follies and fouls of fiction

I endeavor for it to be forged with unceremonious courage
all tenacity, all mettle, all nerve and valor, audacious and dogged
immune to the clamor and distraction of both praise and criticism
to be able to bookmark my beginnings and focus on the process

I arrive, as imagined, empty-handed to every occasion ready to toil
I tell myself: ‘You are a woman of infinite talents. Get to work.’

and, I write.

**

Writing a poem about writing while aching to write anything other than a poem.

It’s all work. It’s all creative.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, yeah?

Got it.

In propinquity,

Nic